My Enemies List

By Mary Greenburg

believe me when i say this is the last place you want to end up

  1. Zoë Bread consistently makes everything worse for me
  2. UK Road Offender Education consider me to be a national security threat
  3. HMRC are investigating me for tax fraud
  4. Tendring District Council i’m taking them to the tribunal
  5. Fabio De Albuquerque Dela Antonio has driven me to this point
  6. Magicians look at the bottom of the list
  7. eBay steals from charity, hates donkey
  8. Golf they know why
  9. Hidden Earth Caving Convention didn’t select my mildly blasphemous image as the winner in their photo competition
  10. Virgin Media don’t let you cancel even if you have a gambling addiction and are out of contract
  11. Ikea [reason redacted]
  12. Estate Agents easier to list the reasons they aren’t on here: none
  13. Simon Mayo stole my joke
  14. The News too many reasons to list
  15. Robin Hood stole my hat but i got it back plus technically i stole his hat
  16. Marks & Spencer too many reasons to list
  17. Sealife Centre (Brighton) kicked me out even though i agreed with them
  18. Jeff shouted at me
  19. Costa charge people in hospitals more, don’t let me eat gravel
  20. Gary Meanburg stood me up on valentine’s day even though i got him a bag of rocks
  21. Father Pancakes kidnapped me and threw cold pancake batter at me
  22. Corky pretended to be father pancakes, kidnapped me and threw cold pancake batter at me
  23. Stacey West doesn’t have her own show
  24. David Hockney my picture is longer than his picture
  25. The colour blue ate my dad
  26. Wardrobes i just like to kick them
  27. Kellogg’s never made my cereal cocork pops
  28. Parking Eye too many reasons to list
  29. Guinness World Records never gave me my certificate for throwing pots
  30. The King waste of money
  31. Charnock Richard Service Station asked a professional beep inspector to leave, also stalked me
  32. Argos Returns Policy oil filled radiators are terrible
  33. Lego the possibilities are very limited
  34. Children small, annoying, can’t act
  35. Cineworld left me on read but made this apology video
  36. LinkedIn banned me
  37. The Police don’t know what day it is
  38. TV Licensing People won’t watch my puppet show
  39. Jeremy Vine bike
  40. BBC too many reasons to list
  41. Winchester Council took the face off the car
  42. Electricity too unpredictable
  43. Martin Lewis got two free power showers. has two first names
  44. Buxton Water it has pigeon in it
  45. Evil Horsey very scary
  46. Zoë Bread Wiki will i ever finish it
  47. Magicians misdirection
  48. Dominic Byrne sarcastically said i sound excellent but has since apologised