My Enemies List

By Mary Greenburg

believe me when i say this is the last place you want to end up

  1. Magicians look at the bottom of the list
  2. eBay steals from charity, hates donkey
  3. Golf they know why
  4. Virgin Media don’t let you cancel even if you have a gambling addiction and are out of contract
  5. Ikea [reason redacted]
  6. Estate Agents easier to list the reasons they aren’t on here: none
  7. Simon Mayo stole my joke
  8. The News too many reasons to list
  9. Robin Hood stole my hat but i got it back plus technically i stole his hat
  10. Marks & Spencer too many reasons to list
  11. Sealife Centre (Brighton) kicked me out even though i agreed with them
  12. Jeff shouted at me
  13. Costa charge people in hospitals more, don’t let me eat gravel
  14. Gary Meanburg stood me up on valentine’s day even though i got him a bag of rocks
  15. Father Pancakes kidnapped me and threw cold pancake batter at me
  16. Corky pretended to be father pancakes, kidnapped me and threw cold pancake batter at me
  17. Stacey West doesn’t have her own show
  18. David Hockney my picture is longer than his picture
  19. The colour blue ate my dad
  20. Wardrobes i just like to kick them
  21. Kellogg’s never made my cereal cocork pops
  22. Parking Eye too many reasons to list
  23. Guinness World Records never gave me my certificate for throwing pots
  24. The King waste of money
  25. Charnock Richard Service Station asked a professional beep inspector to leave, also stalked me
  26. Argos Returns Policy oil filled radiators are terrible
  27. Lego the possibilities are very limited
  28. Children small, annoying, can’t act
  29. Zoë Bread too many reasons to list
  30. HMRC owe me money, think i owe them money
  31. Cineworld left me on read but made this apology video
  32. LinkedIn banned me
  33. The Police don’t know what day it is
  34. TV Licensing People won’t watch my puppet show
  35. Jeremy Vine bike
  36. BBC too many reasons to list
  37. Winchester Council took the face off the car
  38. Electricity too unpredictable
  39. Martin Lewis got two free power showers. has two first names
  40. Buxton Water it has pigeon in it
  41. Evil Horsey very scary
  42. Zoë Bread Wiki will i ever finish it
  43. Magicians misdirection
  44. Dominic Byrne sarcastically said i sound excellent but has since apologised